Becoming aware how darkness and light are always inviting us in.
There's something I want to share with you.
Every morning, I've been waking up feeling hopeless and depressed.
This has happened on and off for years. I am not entirely sure why it happens, but I know I am not powerless to shift it. When I get into bed at night, I am usually in a state of contentment and gratitude for the beautiful day I just lived. I think about my favorite part of the day and think of something wonderful I will do tomorrow, then I fall asleep sending rainbows of love to my family, friends and the world.
It baffles me how I can fall asleep surrounded by such peaceful feelings of love and light and wake up 8 hours later in darkness and dread.
In the first moments of consciousness, when I recognize the emotions coursing through me, I am unable to move, to open my eyes or put my feet on the floor. A minute passes… two, three, four… I am tempted to fall back asleep and see if I can have a do-over. Maybe if I force myself to dream about something happy, I will wake up feeling happy, feel the light and hope and joy that I know is really inside of me.
Some mornings I do fall back asleep, but nothing changes. Other times, my first thought is to blame myself ‘What’s wrong with you, Jeannette? Stop doing this to yourself!’ Or I blame my husband ‘I must be absorbing his dark energy while I sleep.’
Then there are mornings I simply lay there examining the darkness, noticing the quality of it — its weight in my body, its tenancy in my heart. I know if I stay too long in those thoughts, I will become lost in them, as I was for a long time several years ago. It is usually in that moment — the moment when the darkness starts feeling familiar — that the truth jolts me upright.
I have a choice.
No matter the reason why this horrible Ground Hog Day-like scenario keeps happening, I still get to choose what happens next. I get to decide whether I hide under the covers or open the window. And the most extraordinary thing is that the moment the window is opened and I take a breath of fresh air, or hear the birds or feel the wind on my face, the spell is broken. Like someone flicking a switch, I am suddenly back in the light, feeling the joy, hope and gratitude that is my true nature — and the true nature of us all.
Maybe that is its purpose. Perhaps the darkness presents itself so that I might have the chance every day to consciously choose the light.
With great love,
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If you are lost in the dark and can't find the light switch, reach for your phone.
I am an instant message away: facebook.com/jeannette.folan
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